God Save the BBC

My deepest, most fervent desire is not to be rich and famous, nor is it to retire to a gorgeous tropical island. I don't care about being young forever. What I really really want is to move to St. Mary Mead and become Miss Marple. Even as a kid I fantasized about solving murder mysteries and I tortured generations of neighborhood kids by forcing them to be in my detective squads.

So thank God for the English- they really know how to put together a good murder.

Midsomer Murders

Actually, this is little more than an English version of Murder She Wrote. It's pretty tame and often downright silly. But it's got great locations- all those little villages in the fictional county of Midsomer, and a much more interesting cast. John Nettles as Inspector Barnaby. He always has a good looking sergeant as his assistant. There must be about 50 episodes by now, adding up to hundreds of corpses.

Inspector Lynley

These mysteries are dark and realistic, from the books by American author Elizabeth George. Thomas Lynley is an aristocrat as well as a detective and his assistant, Barbara Havers, is from a working class background. This leads to lots of tension and snotty remarks using the word posh. My only complaint is that ex-wife of his. She needs to be one of the murder victims.

Foyle's War

Oh boy, is this good! It takes place during World War II and it perfectly captures the mood of the time. Hastings is a small coastal town, apparently full of smugglers and Nazi sympathizers and black marketeers. Inspector Foyle is quiet and retiring but don't let that fool you. He always, always catches the murderer. Honeysuckle Weeks is great as his nosy driver, Samantha.

Prime Suspect

What can I say? This is the best of the best. There will never be another Jane Tennyson, nor another Helen Mirren. She's an alcoholic, a terrible daughter, she's unashamedly ambitious, and she'll claw your eyes out if you get in her way. (Jane Tennyson, not Helen Mirren.) The writing and acting are without fail top-notch.

The Summer Blockbusters

Shrek 3


I always have a good time with Shrek. It's cleverly written. But like all the blockbusters this year, those same old jokes are getting a bit tired. And I honestly could not remember whether I had seen Shrek 2 or not.

Spider-Man 3

What a putrid excuse for a movie this is! We made it through an hour but just couldn't take any further punishment. So we left, which is almost unheard of for Hector. I'm so sick of that phony Toby Maguire I could puke!

Pirates of the Caribbean

Another stinker but at least it had a lot of fun action sequences. But I really really hope they're done with this one. I have to say my favorite part of the movie was the much-anticipated appearance by zombie Keith Richards. It's so jarring to see non-actors in movies because they stick out like sore thumbs. It's as if you're completely involved in a very serious movie and suddenly your Mom walks onscreen.

Patagonia

Hector is all hot to go to Patagonia. He's been talking it up for several years. I really like the theory of going because it is gorgeous. But every time I read anything about it there is lots of talk like: "breathtaking views"... "narrow trails leading up to Alpine peaks"... "we begin our ascent"... and very worst of all... "as we cross the suspension bridge"...

I only barely survived Machu Picchu without heart failure. For those who don't know the joys of vertigo or acrophobia then let me tell you that just reading about high places can work up a good sweat. And during the opening sequence of Casino Royale, my sphincter turned to steel.

Normally, when Hector mentions Patagonia I quickly counter with "or what about Morocco" or "let's do Turkey this year and Patagonia next year." But sooner or later I'm going to run out of diversionary tactics.

AMSTERDAM & LONDON

Amsterdam













Steve and Hector in Amsterdam
















Amsterdam















Nephew Pollard, Steve, Al, Hector at dinner in London




After Bruges we had another easy train ride to Amsterdam. I really loved all this train travel. It's so easy and relaxing, compared to all the revolting crowds and security nonsense at airports. Anyway, we got there and immediately stepped into the seediest part of Amsterdam, which was a bit of a shock to the system after little storybook Bruges. But eventually we learned to steer clear of the hash house/ whore district as I am well past my hash days and the whorehouse days are yet to come. We enjoyed 2 days of long walks along the canals and took a day trip to Haarlem, which is really cute and charming, unlike it's little step-sister in New York. We met Kaj for dinner, who lives in San Diego and was in Amsterdam visiting her sister. Our Marriott, actually a Renaissance, was okay but hovering on the edge of the Red Light District. Not sure I'd stay there again. All that stuff is fun to see but it's full of stoned kids and crowds of tourists. It's a bit like Bourbon Street. The next morning it smells like vomit and piss.

Then we flew to London and checked into our wonderful Grosvenor House on Park Lane. The weather was perfect and Hyde Park was crammed with locals enjoying the sun. On Sunday we took the train to Hampton Court, one of the palaces where Henry VIII lived. It has beautiful gardens and tours of all the royal living quarters and kitchens. Bought some tourist crap there.

My nephew Pollard was in town for his band, Archive, to do a concert so we met him and our friends Al & Marc for dinner. Then on Monday night we went to Camden Lock to see the Archive concert. It was very fun. Loved the music and went backstage to meet the band, just like groupies. The venue was small and crowded and smoky. Both Hector and I were keeping an eyeball on the nearest exit. I was formulating the next day's headline: Band Member's Uncle Trampled in Nightclub Melee.

So Tuesday we got up, took an hour and a half ride to the airport, got our seats in Biz Class and now we're home. We're still fantasizing about living somewhere in Europe.

BRUGES

Bruges Canal




















At the Pand Hotel

















Afternoon Latte

















Yet another postcard view




Oh My God, I can't believe this place! For years everyone has been telling me, "Oh you have to see Bruges, it's just wonderful!" So Hector and I caught the high-speed train from Paris and 2 hours later we arrived in Bruges, Belgium. After we got checked into our adorable hotel, The Pand, we went out for a walk and I just literally was dumbfounded. It IS the most picturesque place I've ever seen.

Centuries ago it was a very prosperous port city but as the canal began to silt up it sort of faded away and has remained unchanged. Now it's all about tourism and the place is one big postcard. Gorgeous old buildings, cobbled streets, winding canals, large parks and millions of tourists. While we were there it was some kind of 3 day weekend in Europe and the place was crawling with middle-class visitors from the UK (rowdy), Netherlands (fat), Germany (loud) and Belgium (fatter). It was fun. We just wandered and got lost and discovered great little cafes and wine bars. Every resident seemed to speak 6 languages.

We spent a lot of the time doing what most of the other tourists were undoubtedly doing: fantasizing about living in Bruges. We found our perfect little house for sale and decided what kind of cafe we would open. I guess I better start learning some more languages.

At 5pm on Monday the whole place went dead quiet as the tourists left, the shopkeepers went home, the canal boats stopped. It was like closing time at Disneyland. But we got to wander around by ourselves and enjoy the peace.

PARIS

Mark, Steve, Arturo at the Tuileries

Arturo & Mark being tourists

lunch in Montmartre

Okay, Paris, I forgive you. The first time I was in Paris, Christmas 1998 with Hector, it was so cold I wished I was dead. We were staying in Paco & Franck's empty little studio above their cafe and I was sick with a cold. All I remember is the all-night rumble of the Metro. The second time we went through, in 2001, Hector developed pneumonia in Prague and was so ill by the time we got to Paris we thought he would die. He was literally unconcious the whole time while I was so stressed I was hardly in the mood for the City of Lights.

So finally, with Mark & Arturo, this trip was just great. Our wonderful hotel, the Westminster, was located a block off the Place Vendome. How could you get a better location than that? We upgraded to a suite and had a gorgeous room with a balcony that overlooked Rue de la Paix with Cartier, Tiffany, Van Cleef & Arpels below. The four of us walked all over the place, spent a day at Versailles, hit the Louvre and the Musee D'Orsay. We had a great dinner at Paco & Franck's new restaurant, Le Reminet, on the Left Bank. Old friends Tom & Yoshi hosted us for an over-the-top French dinner (cooked by Mark) one night in their 18th century apartment right off the Champs Elysee.

For a whole week we shopped, we drank gallons of wine, we ate tons of bistro food and pastries, walked for miles and miles and, believe it if you can, even the locals seemed happy to have us.

Dinner at Tom & Yoshi's flat

It was such a pleasure to have some non-U.S. news to pay attention to. Since France has a new President there was lots of talk about Sarkozy but no riots, alas. People I talked to seemed willing to wait and see... Paco and Franck, as business owners, are disgusted by the atmosphere of entitlement among French workers. They basically said you can't get French people to work, so they hire mostly foreigners in their restaurants. EVEN BIGGER NEWS: Paris is going smoke-free later this year. Smoking will be prohibited in bars and restaurants. Never thought I'd live to see it!