HGTV

Hector and I are addicted to the Home and Garden channel. That sounds very cliche. 2 queers sitting around watching decorating shows, but I actually prefer the ones where I'm taught how to do something, like make a new patio out of flagstone or raise my ceiling by 2 feet. What I really love is This Old House. What a great show. I remember the very first season, years ago on PBS when Bob Vila was just a youngster with wild hair. That started this whole obsession with DIY in this country.

Of all the we're-going-to-fix-up-your-tacky-home-for-you shows I most love the one in which a crew comes in to repair the horrible catastrophe perpetrated by the homeowner. There was one episode where the husband left town on business and the wife just said, "well, he won't do it so I'm going to do it!" Then she proceeded to rip out 2 huge walls in the dining room and living room so she could have a "great room". Well, of course, one was a load-bearing wall and when the crew arrived the ceiling was sagging and electric cables were dangling all over the place with kids swinging on them. She was totally nonchalant and the whole family sort of thought it was a big joke.

Some of the programs are so stupid and simplistic I want to slap everyone involved. A poor unsuspecting wife will leave for a weekend to visit her mother. While she's gone a bunch of spokesmodels will devastate her home. They throw around a bit of red paint and some masonite, and then when the wife walks back in the front door, clearly flabbergasted, they stick a mike in her face and say, "But, do you love it?" or "What do you think of the Old World Charm?" Then, naturally enough, she bursts into tears.

I want to see a show where the couple leaves town and their next-door neighbors decide to re-do their house for them. But in reality, the neighbors are sadistic enemies of the couple and they proceed to paint the living room with blood and re-wire the house so that turning on the bathroom light will electrocute you. Now that would be a popular show.